Dear Foolish Little Brother
by solderini
Summary: Like all good boys, Itachi writes home occasionally.


Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me, nor am I making any money off of this work of fanfiction.  
  
Warnings: dark humor, character death, odd style. Very slight yaoi hints, which will be very squicky if they are caught, so don't catch them. Sharks have claspers.  
  
~*~ Dear Foolish Little Brother ~*~  
  
Dear Foolish Little Brother,  
  
How have you been since I slaughtered our clan? Sorry to have left you to clean up the mess, but I really had to go. You know how it is. Life in the Akatsuki isn't all they cracked it up to be--the pay is lousy and I think Orochimaru's been giving me the eye. But they let me kill all the people I want. Just the other day I tortured a little girl to death. You should have heard her screams. There should be a souvenier from the experience in the care package I sent you. I hope you enjoy it.  
  
Either way, I must be going. Assassinations really aren't worth my time, but one must pay the bills. Grow up to hate me, and I'll write you in a week or so.  
  
Your brother, Itachi  
  
Itachi,  
  
Why the hell are you writing me? Isn't it bad enough that you killed Mom and Dad? Do you really have to torture me like this?  
  
I do hate you. I hope you die. Then you'll go to hell and I'll laugh at you.  
  
Sasuke  
  
PS: You sick freak. What am I gonna do with some dead girl's eyeball?  
  
Dear Foolish Little Brother,  
  
If you want me to die, you'll have to kill me yourself. Why do you think I left you alive? It certainly wasn't for the family reunion.  
  
I hear you've just graduated from the Academy. Did Mother and Father ever tell you I was Captain of the Anbu at your age? You have quite a ways to go, I think. Study hard, let hatred be your guide.  
  
Your brother, Itachi  
  
PS: I was thinking you could have it set in some jewelry. Many boys your  
age have earrings these days, do they not?  
  
Itachi,  
  
I don't wear jewelry! And if you hadn't killed the rest of the clan, you would know that!  
  
Watch your back, Itachi: one of these days I *will* kill you.  
  
Sasuke  
  
Dear Foolish Little Brother,  
  
It's been quite a while. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up our regular correspondance, but things have been quite busy here in the Akatsuki. Orochimaru left, much to my relief. I've heard, though--and this is priceless--he's searching for you. Look for him in the Chuunin Exam, Foolish Little Brother. I suppose I should warn you, though: he gets rather grabby when he's off his medication.  
  
I got a new partner last week. Hoshigaki Kisame. He's a member of Mist's Shark Clan, and wouldn't you know it, he killed almost his entire clan too. You'll learn more about that later.  
  
I must be off. Death, maiming, destruction, and all that. Hate me more with each passing day.  
  
Your brother, Itachi  
  
Itachi,  
  
Congratulations on your new partner. He's from the Shark Clan? I hope he eats you.  
  
Sasuke  
  
Dear Foolish Little Brother,  
  
It was fun reminiscing with you the other day. The Sharingan is so useful, isn't it? Makes me wish I could have relived the experience with you. Fun like that only comes around every so often, you know.  
  
I should let you know: as clan head, I've engaged you to marry Kisame's sole surviving sister Mako. Her gills are really quite lovely.  
  
Oh, something that's slipped my mind for some time. Sasuke is actually your middle name. Your given name is Elmer.  
  
Your brother, Itachi  
  
Itachi,  
  
You are not the head of the clan. I am. And I am not marrying a shark, no matter how nice her gills are. Marry her yourself.  
  
Sasuke  
  
PS: I told you not to call me that.  
  
Dear Foolish Little Brother,  
  
I would, but I much prefer Kisame. His claspers are rather impressive.  
  
Anyway, I hear you're seeking out Orochimaru. This pleases me greatly. Knowing Orochimaru as I do, I have the greatest confidence he will complete the psychological scarring I began. Is your bucket comfortable? No matter how many buckets you sleep in, though, your hatred is not yet strong enough. Perhaps I should flay the skin off your companions and have you listen to their screams. Would that do the trick?  
  
Your brother, Itachi  
  
PS: Though I don't have one myself, I have it from a reputable source that  
baby powder works wonders on Curse Seal Itch.  
  
Itachi,  
  
The paper this letter is written on is soaked in contact poison. Rot in hell.  
  
Sasuke  
  
Dear Foolish Little Brother,  
  
Kisame was foolish enough to go through my mail today and promptly dropped dead. I, of course, did not so much as sniff your letter. This is unfortunate. I liked Kisame. Two of a kind, we were. Expect a visit from me in a week or so. We have some things to discuss.  
  
Your (rather peeved) brother, Itachi  
  
Itachi,  
  
o shi  
  
Sasuke  
~*~ The End ~*~ 


End file.
